Lost And Found
by Curly97
Summary: Different 11x21: Meredith tries to leave the past behind, to start fresh - but life has other plans for her and her family. Takes place a few years after 11x21. Co-Written with japa01
1. A new reality

If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong  
I know better, 'cause you said forever and ever  
Who knew

My alarm went off –I didn't want to get up. But if you have four children, you have  
no choice.

Fortunately, in the last few years, I had developed a good way to start the day  
without screaming, fighting or any stress at all. And that meant that I had to get  
out of my bed.

For a brief moment, my gaze wandered over the cold empty side of the bed.  
Quickly, I pushed the thoughts aside.

I wish I could touch you again  
I'd give anything

I went into the bathroom to take a shower and got ready for the day. Then I had to  
wake up Zola and Bailey, which was not that easy. While they'd get dressed, I'd  
check on the twins.

After that, I went down into the kitchen and made breakfast for the Kids.

I was really tired today. I had had a hard day yesterday and at night I hadn't slept  
very well –damn rain. Probably, I'd never get used to the many storms here in  
Ireland. It rained a lot more often than in Seattle and the sound of the sea  
sometimes drove me crazy at night.

When I was just making hot cocoa for all of them, Zola shuffled into the kitchen,  
followed by a drowsy Bailey.

"Morning, Mommy." She sighed and slumped into a chair.

Bailey rubbed his sleepy eyes and muttered a quiet "Morning." Before he also sat  
down.

"Good morning." I said, smiling to my children.

I put their cups and plates with sandwiches in front of them.

"Are you looking forward to go to school?" I asked both. Today it'd be Bailey's first  
day of school and Zola's first day after the Holidays.

"Oh Mom." Zola gave me an annoyed look, which I now knew only too well. It bored  
her to go to school. Many times she had complained that she would learn nothing  
new - yeah, she really was smart for her Age.

For this reason, I had an appointment with her teacher, Mrs. Simsons.

"It's a new year of school, sweetie. I'm sure you'll learn quite a lot of new things!" I  
tried to cheer Zola up. She was right, somehow. Zola had learned already much,  
when she was in preschool in Seattle. Here in Ireland they had to start right from  
the beginning.

I just hoped that Mrs. Simsons and I would find a good solution, because that  
couldn't go on much longer.  
The situation was neither good for Zola nor for the other children in her class.

"You've said this before. Remember last year?" She grumbled and took another sip  
of her hot cocoa.

Yes, I should hope that it would be better this year.

I felt sorry for Zola that she was so under-challenged.

"I'm sick, Mom." Bailey said suddenly and rubbed with his left hand over his  
stomach.

I knelt in front of him and put my right hand on his forehead. "You have no fever,  
Bails." I said to him and sighed. Then, I patted his stomach. "Your stomach is fine  
too, like you. You're just excited." It was clear that he was nervous, excited and a  
little scared, too.

Today was his first day at school and he had heard some of Zola's stories, which  
were not the best.

If I was honest with myself, I was a little scared, too.

"No, I'm really sick." He clutched my hand tightly.

'That had to be scary stories, which Zola told him' I thought.

Suddenly, I had an idea. "In school you're getting gifts, but if you're sick, you can't  
have them, unfortunately."

I looked at the clock. It was already late. We had to leave the house. Mrs. Simsons  
had specially given me an appointment for today, which fit into my schedule.

Instantly, Bailey's face brightened. "Why didn't you tell me, Zola?" He asked his  
sister.

"Because," she was interrupted by the screams of her two younger siblings.

"Mommy, can Miss Molly come with?" Aimee held her doll in her arms and looked at  
me expectantly.

I turned around to my little daughter. "If she want to come with us, sure, why not?"  
I replied and picked Aimee up.

"Hurry up, we have to leave." I called after Zola and Bailey.

"Yay!" She laughed merrily and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

When Bailey got up, Noah immediately ran up to him and took his hand. "I come  
with to school!" He laughed proudly.

"You can't, Noah." Bailey looked apologetically at his little brother.

No matter what Bailey did, Noah was always there –it would be a big change for  
them. Although they were three years apart, they were like best friends to each  
other.

"But I wanna go," he said defiantly. "Mommy, why I can't come?"

I had no idea what to say to him, so I took him in my arms. "We'll drive him to  
school. So you can say goodbye. And I promise, in a few hours you'll see him again.  
Sounds good?" I smiled, hoping that he would be satisfied with my answer.

"But–" He looked at me sadly with his blue eyes –Derek's eyes.

I shook my head.

"Silly mommy." He avoided my gaze.

"Put on your shoes and jackets. And don't forget your school bags." I said to Zola  
and Bailey.

Then, I turned back to Noah. "Shall I tell you a secret?" I asked him.

Somehow, I finally had to cheer him up.

"Wanna hear, too, Mommy!" Aimee exclaimed.

Noah nodded silently.

"Okay." I whispered mysteriously and leaned down. Bailey and Zola had gone  
upstairs and brought their school bags. "In daycare, it's much cooler because you  
can play all the time. At school, you have to be quiet all the time and well-behaved.  
There is nowhere near as funny as daycare." I winked.

"Really?" They looked at me in astonishment.

I nodded and gave them a kiss.

"We are cool, Aimee." Noah winked at his sister, who smiled at him cheerfully.

"Yep!"

I nodded and put them their jackets on. "You are so cool!" Then, I gave them their  
small backpacks. Bailey and Zola came down. I took my stuff and we went outside  
to the car.

The drive to school was as loud as everyday –the kids were arguing about who was  
allowed to pick the radio Station.  
Bailey seemed much happier than this morning during breakfast.

I hope he would have a good day at School.

"Aunt Elizabeth will pick us up, right?" asked Zola who was sitting in the passenger  
seat. "Don't forget to tell her that I want to go to the library!" She reminded me.

"I won't forget it, Zozo. I'll remind her when I see her at work." I promised her.

I had to work long and Elizabeth got off earlier than me, which is why she'd pick them up.

Here in Ireland, she was really a big help to me. She was sort of my Cristina.

Cristina, my person. I had forgotten to call her last week. This I would have to do  
when I get home.

I miss her –surely, I had other friends, but no one would ever be able to replace  
her –that was for sure.

She was the only one who perfectly understood me without needing to tell her how  
I felt. Now that I lived in Ireland, we saw each other more often than before.

Sometimes, the kids and I fly to Switzerland. Most of the time, Cristina visited us in  
Ireland, though. It was quite tiring to fly with four kids as a single mother.

I enjoyed it every time she was here with us, even if I had to work.

I stopped in the parking lot of the School.

"See you later, Mom." Zola quickly gave me a kiss and then hopped out of the car.

To be able to say goodbye properly to Bailey, I got out. Quickly, I opened the trunk  
and took out a school cone, which was cofered in cars.

"For your first day of school, little monkey!" I said, handing it to him.

He was totally surprised, at the same time he was visibly delighted. Bailey always  
wanted to have a school cone.

Back when Zola got hers, he was jealous and also sad. He couldn't understand why  
he couldn't have one.

"Thank you, Mommy!" He beamed at me. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Zola had come back again, and had placed herself next to Bailey.

"Pretty." She Smiled and ran her index finger gently over one of the cars. "Daddy would have liked that, Bailey." Tears glistened in her eyes.

Instantly, my stomach clenched.

"You think so?" He asked softly, watching his sister carefully.

"I'm sure." She nodded firmly.

And time makes it harder

Why was Derek not here, here with us?

It was an important day for his son, and he wasn't here.  
Our children needed their father.

You promised me you'd be around

I thought about my own enrollment. Ellis had insisted that I didn't need a school  
cone, "This is something you don't need, Meredith. I have more important things to  
do than this."

Enviously I have watched the other children who were brought by their parents to  
school – those were the times I missed my father and mother.

I wouldn't repeat her mistakes.

"Come on, Bailey. Let's take a photo for your photo album." I suggested and took  
my camera out of my bag. "And later we'll make some family pictures." I added.

"Aimee, Noah!" Zola called and opened the rear door of the car to help the twins  
getting out while I was taking pictures of Bailey.

Zola was really a big help to me. She tried to help me as best as she could. Especially when the nanny left us, I really needed any help I could get.

I just hope I would soon find a new one.

As the twins were out of the car, they all stood together, smiling for the camera.

The only one who was missing to complete the picture was Derek.

When someone said count your blessings now  
Before they're long gone  
I guess I just didn't know how  
I was all wrong  
They knew better, still you said forever and ever  
Who knew


	2. Author's Note

a/n: I'm sure you'll find some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, sorry;)

Okay, guys. I can understand that you're mad at me (us) for creating this Situation,  
but that's not a reason to be rude.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all of your reviews and of course you can tell me  
if you don't like the story, that's fine, but don't get personal.

I want to be honest. For me, season 11 was horrible, especially 11x21. Shonda  
didn't have to kill Derek, that's not the point, though.

What I want to say is that I love MerDer, and at the end of my (our) stories they'll  
find a way to get back together - promise.  
Even if it seems impossible sometimes.

English isn't my first language, and I'm going to school, which is exhausting:/  
I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about ^^

So I'm asking you to be Patient.  
If you have any questions, you can always send a message, so that we can discuss  
everything:)  
Tomorrow I'll (hopefully) post chapter two:)

-Lola


	3. Immortal

After we had taken hundreds of pictures, it had been time that Zola and Bailey went  
to school. It was hard for me to let go of my little boy - but he was getting older  
and so I had to accept it.

Now I had to hurry, so that I wasn't too late for work.

Quickly, I brought the twins to daycare, which was fortunately in the Hospital.  
When I said goodbye to them, I promised Aimee and Noah that I would visit them  
during my lunch break.

Damn, I was already running late, and when surgeons are late, people die.  
Ellis taught me that saying when I was a little girl - God, I hated it, she was right,  
though.

As soon as possible I had to be upstairs.

"Hi, Mer!" Elizabeth hastily came running towards me and hugged me.

Her brown curls were all over the place and her scrubs were wrinkled.  
Probably, she was the attending who had been on call last night.

"How are you? Did Bailey like his school cone? I wish I could have been there."

I returned Elizabeth's embrace, "He loved it."

To show her the pictures, I took out my camera and handed it to her.  
The photos were just too cute. I would have to get them developed in the next few  
days.

"Love them," she smiled and gave me the camera back before continuing, "Okay,  
I'll pick up the kids around three in the afternoon, or are you getting off earlier than  
you thought?"

Together we walked towards the Elevators.

"No, I have to work till five, maybe even later. Surgery after surgery," I sighed.

Actually I had tried to get this afternoon off, but that wasn't possible.  
It drove me crazy that I couldn't pick Bailey up; after all it was his first day of  
School.

'If Derek could have been here, he would have taken the day off, to surprise Bailey'  
I thought sadly.

It wasn't fair.

"What do the kids want to do?" Elizabeth suddenly asked.

We waited for an Elevator which would take us one floor further up.

"Oh, and before I forget, how's it going with you and Daniel?" she winked at me.

"Zola wants to go to the library or something," I shrugged and ignored her other  
question, at least for now.

"Oh, come on, just tell me!"

"We'll eat dinner tomorrow. I've managed to get Susi, my babysitter," I said,  
grinning at her.

It was the first time that Daniel and I went out to eat dinner. He knew about Derek.  
We agreed to take it slow and with no expectations. I was glad that he didn't push  
me to something I didn't want and gave me the time I needed.

"Sounds good. I want to know all about it," she laughed.

"Good morning, ladies," a deep voice said behind us.

"Speak of the devil." Elizabeth whispered softly, as I blushed.

Daniel put his arms around our shoulders.

"Good morning," I replied.

Elizabeth just threw a meaningful look at me.

"How are the children?" That was usually the first thing he asked when we saw each  
other.

"It's Bailey's first day of school, right?" He smiled and we went into the Elevator.

"Yes. At first he didn't want to go. So he told me he was sick, because Zola has  
already told him already so many bad stories about school. But when I mentioned  
the gifts, he immediately felt better," thinking about my beautiful son made me  
smile.

"Aha, gifts." He laughed. "I still can remember my first day of school. Oh boy, I was  
scared."

"Me too," said Elizabeth. "I'm sure Bailey will like it. The other kids will love him."

"Noah was totally sad that he couldn't go to school with Bailey."  
I remembered the sad look on Noah's face.

"I can imagine," Daniel stood very close to me.

He was the first man since Derek, for whom I felt something. Of course, I wasn't in  
love with him, or something like that; I liked him a lot, though.

We we're just good friends, nothing more.

The ringing of the elevator pulled me from my thoughts.

"Tomorrow?" Daniel whispered in my ear.

"Oh yeah, tomorrow. Tomorrow at six we'll have dinner, in front of the hospital. No, we're not eating dinner in front of the hospital. We'll meet there," I had to stop  
rambling. "I'll be there at six."

That was embarrassing.

I didn't look back when I got out of the Elevator.

With hasty steps I went to the nurses' Station.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey." Joana, one of the nurses greeted me friendly.

"Good morning," she handed me a chart. "Seems to be a busy day for you."

I nodded. "Yes. Did Mrs. Benson miss her appointment again? I haven't seen her  
yet," I wanted to know.

"Oh." She was looking for a piece of paper. "Here it is. She forgot about it. Her  
appointment is tomorrow at 11:10 am."

"That's good. I know you have many other things to do, but could you call her  
tomorrow and remind her? You know how forgetful Mrs. Benson is." I asked her and  
took the piece of paper.

"Can do, Dr. Grey," she assured me and I started with my busy day.

At first I had to perform an appendectomy on a little girl, which didn't take Long.  
So I decided to fill out some charts and spend time with the twins.

When I was walking in the direction of the daycare, I was called to the emergency  
room because there had been a serious car accident.

As luck would have it, I had to operate with Daniel on a woman, who had serious  
head and abdominal injuries.

I could only hope that the surgery wouldn't take too long, so I still was able to visit  
Aimee and Noah.

I quickly scrubbed in. Daniel had already started with the surgery, when I came in.

We had agreed that we had to bring the bleeding in her head under control before  
we could even start with the injury in her abdomen. Concentrated, he looked at her  
brain.

"Glad you're here, Dr. Grey." He said softly and looked at me for a brief Moment  
–his blue eyes sparkled.

I liked to operate with him. He knew how I worked, and I knew how he worked –we  
were a good team in the O.R., even when we hated each other at first.

Suddenly I had to think about Derek, my first surgery with him, in which I had  
assisted.

Katie Bryce was the patient's name. She had seizures and no one was able to  
explain where they came from.

I was able to find the cause, though.

#I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
but though you're still with me#

Damn, I missed him so much –he should be the one I am operating with now, not  
Daniel.

"Dr. Grey, you want to step in?" Daniel looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

Quickly, I nodded and took my place on the operating table.  
I pushed all thoughts aside and began my part of the surgery. By itself, without  
having to think about it, my hands were doing their work –when I finished, I asked  
a resident to Close.

In a daze, I left the operating room. I loved the feeling that I felt after every  
successful surgery. I couldn't imagine ever doing anything else.

"Meredith!" Daniel called after me, so I turned around. "Is everything okay?" He  
came up to me. "You seem somewhere else in the O.R., did something happen?"

He already had taken off his scrub cap, so his perfect black hair appeared.

"No. I was just so focused on my work." I replied, smiling.

"You know you can always talk to me, Mer." Carefully, he put a hand on my  
shoulder.

No, I didn't want to talk.

"I was just thinking how glad I am to be working here."

"Liar." He laughed and shook his head, then looked at the clock. "Oh, it's already  
totally late! I have to go, need to discuss something with Sam. I'll see you later."

He quickly gave me a kiss on the cheek and scurried away.

"See you later," I echoed.

I got rid of my scrubs and went to the girl who I had operated on this morning.

Her mother greeted me when I came into the room. "Oh, Dr. Grey. I thought I  
wouldn't see you today."

She sat on a chair next to the bed of her daughter and held her Hand.

The little girl looked exhausted –luckily she was sleeping peacefully.

I quietly went to the foot of the bed and glanced in her chart to take a look on the  
recent test results. Fortunately, her inflammation levels were going down.

I turned my attention to the mother and said, "Everything looks fine. Hopefully we  
can discharge your daughter in a few days."

"Really? That will make Mandy happy. She hates being sick, or in the hospital." She  
stroked her daughter's black hair.

"What child likes to be sick?" I asked the mother. "I have to check on my other  
patients. I'll see you two tomorrow." I added and left.

I was glad that I didn't have to work a night shift this week and had to work only  
eight hours a day. So I had more time for the children.

I thought about Aimee and Noah's birthday, which was on Saturday.

Hopefully Cristina, Alex and Maggie would manage to come this weekend –that  
would be the greatest gift for the twins.

The three loved my kids and my kids loved them.

Alex was more like the cool uncle who played football with Bailey, while Christina  
and Maggie did everything with the girls. Especially, Zola and Christina had a close  
connection –perhaps Zola was so good at school because Christina always told her  
that if you wanted to be a doctor, you have to be good at School.

Immediately, I started to ask myself what Elizabeth and the kids were doing at the  
Moment.

Aimee and Noah would already be sitting in the car and telling Liz what they have  
done today, while Zola and Bailey were waiting impatiently for Elizabeth in front of  
the school building.

Now I remembered that I hadn't visited the twins before surgery like I had  
promised. I could only hope that they weren't mad at me.

As much as I was loving my job, I hated the working hours, especially the number  
of emergencies –they were unpredictable.

Because of an emergency, I had to cancel my appointment with Mrs. Simons today.  
She assured me that it was no problem and that I should just call her when I was  
able to tell her when I'd have the time for another appointment –I wasn't able to  
tell her, though.

Again and again I stared at the clock –I wanted to go home, spend time with my  
wonderful children, but it seemed as if the clock's hand didn't want to move at all.

This would be a long afternoon.  
My pager beeped; an emergency.

A few hours ago I loved my job –and now I hated it.

Constantly, I got paged to the pit. There were other general surgeons who worked  
here. I wasn't the only one.

I was in a bad mood when I went to the E.R.

When I saw the patient, I wasn't able to bite back a groan.

Now visibly slower, I went over to Jim.

"Dr. Grey!" he laughed, "Glad to see you again. Miss me?" Jim winked at me and  
exposed his really yellow teeth when he gave me a smile.

I rolled my eyes. Jim was being admitted to the hospital at least once a week.  
He was one of those completely stupid morons who had to try everything, even  
when it was dangerous.

I smirked –at least I would have an entertaining company for the next few hours.

"So, what brought you in this time?" I asked Jim. I was really curious to know what  
he had tried.

He just had the funniest ideas.

He looked around to be sure that no one was able to hear us. "I've read a fairytale  
to my little niece, but don't ask me about the title, because I don't remember.  
Anyhow there was a wolf in the story and he got stones into his belly."

I shook my head –he was totally crazy.

"Don't look at me like that," he swallowed. "Anyhow, I thought 'Hey, Jimbo, why  
don't you try this? This could be fun.' And that's why I ate some stones for  
breakfast."

"You did what?" I gasped. "You shouldn't tell your niece that, maybe she'll want to  
try it, too."

I started to palpate his stomach. "Why not? Sarah would like to hear the Story."

Suddenly he winced, "I thought you'd be gentle. It fucking hurts!"

"I don't think so. And her parents would hate you, if she decides to try it," I told  
him nonchalantly.

After I had taken an X-ray, I had to tell Jim that he needed surgery. "I have to  
operate," I sighed.

It was always the same with him.

He thought about it for a moment. "How long do I have to stay at the hospital this  
time? In two days, Jenna has her party and there's no way that I will miss it."

"Sorry, Jimbo, but you'll have to stay more than two days," I chuckled.

"Damn it," he sighed. "Okay, take these stones out. I really thought it'd be a cool  
idea!"

"Yeah. You say that every time you're here." I said to Jim and shook my head.

I turned around and asked a nurse to book an OR.

When he was in the recovery room, it was already thirty minutes past six in the  
evening. I told the scrub nurse to look after him and to page me if his condition got  
worse.

Finally, I could go home and bring my kids to bed.

The first thing I heart when I opened the door was the television running in the  
living room.

As quick as possible, I took off my jacket and shoes and got in.

"Hi, Mer." Elizabeth who was sitting on the couch smiled warmly at me.

"Hey, Liz. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to come home earlier," I said exhausted and  
went over to her.

"No problem. I know how it is," she squeezed my hand. "Do you want to eat  
something? Zola and I made supper."

"Oh, please," I answered.

Now as we were talking about food, I realized that I hadn't eaten something the  
whole day –except this morning.

"Mommy!" the kids screamed and came running down the stairs.

"Hey, little monkeys. You're still up!" I laughed and hugged them all at once.

"You know us, Mom," murmured Zola with a sad smile. Something was bothering  
her.

After I brought Bailey and the twins to bed, I'd spend time with her alone.

"Missed you." Bailey muttered.

"I missed you, too, all of you," I said. "How was your first day of school?" I asked  
Bailey.

"It was great. I made many new friends. And my cone was the coolest!" he grinned.

"Mommy, the story," Aimee and Noah whined. They looked really tired.

"That's great," I ruffled his hair. "Go and get yourself ready for bed and I'll read a  
story to your siblings, okay?" I asked him.

I picked Aimee and Noah up. "Okay." Bailey nodded.

"And I will go to Aunt Elizabeth." Zola jumped into the living room.

"Yes, but in half an hour you have to go to bed, too." I told Zola.

I brought the twins into the room that they shared together and placed them on  
their beds. It didn't take more than five minutes until they were sleeping.

I gave both of them a kiss and then I went to Bailey's room to tell him goodnight.

We talked about his first day of school, before he also fell asleep.

Liz and Zola were both sitting in the living room with ice cream and where laughing,  
when I came in.

"What's so funny?" I asked both of them when I sat down.

"I'm not allowed to tell you." Zola told me still giggling.

"That's our secret, Zola." Elizabeth whispered to her and stood up. "Would you like  
to eat a real meal or just ice cream?" she asked me.

"A real meal, I'm starving."

"I thought you'd just eat ice cream, when you were pregnant… oh, Jesus, you didn't  
eat anything else," she laughed and went into the kitchen.

I hugged Zola. "Tell me about your day."

Hopefully she'd tell me what was bothering her.

"Same as always," Zola snuggled up to me. "I missed you, Mommy," she  
whispered.

"I missed you, too." I told Zola and placed a kiss on her hair.

"Are you working tomorrow?"

It hurt me to disappoint her, but I had to work.

"I have to work, sweetie. Elizabeth will pick you up again," I sighed.

At least I had the whole weekend off for the twin's birthday.

"Again? But on the weekend? It's Noah's and Aimee's birthday! Please promise me  
that you won't have to work at the Weekend."

I smiled, "I have the weekend off. It's going to be great."

Normally, I shouldn't make any promises, but this time it was okay –I wasn't on  
call.

Besides, Christina, Alex and Maggie were going to visit us which the kids didn't  
know – it should be a surprise.

"Really?" Zola asked. "Yay! We need to buy birthday presents, Mommy," she  
reminded me with sparkling eyes.

Yes, Zola was a great big sister.

"I will pick you and Bailey up from school the day after tomorrow and then we will  
buy a lot of presents!" I promised my big Girl.

"Good." She rubbed her tired eyes. "I wish Daddy could be here with us."

#'Cause your presence still lingers here#

I squeezed her tightly to me and stroked her hair softly with my hand. It was hard  
for her.

Other than Bailey, she remembered Derek. "I know, Honey. I also wish he could be  
here with us," I said after a little while.

Derek would love this big family. He always wanted many children and now we had  
four kids, but he was missing.

#You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind#

At that very moment, Elizabeth came in with my dinner. "I hope you'll like it."

She handed me the plate and the silverware.

"You look really tired, Zola." Liz noticed.

"Yes, a little bit," she admitted but wouldn't let go of me.

"I'll tuck you in and then I'll eat, alright?"

When I came back down, Elizabeth was already wearing her jacket. "I need to go  
home. I have an early surgery tomorrow. I would love to stay a little bit longer, but you know how it is," she looked at me apologetically.

I just nodded. Of course, I knew what she was talking about. As great as it was to  
be a doctor, we never had many leisure time. We said goodbye to each other and then she went home and I started eating.

After I finished dinner, I watched a movie while eating ice cream.

My thoughts always drifted back to Derek. How beautiful it would be to have him  
with us. I would have given everything so that my children would get their father  
back – and I the love of my life.

I stared into the black night sky and imagined how he looked down from heaven  
–how he was watching out for us.

As quietly as possible, I went upstairs and lay down onto my way too big bed - if  
the other side would be forever empty?

There was no way that I would be able to love a man like I have loved Derek –like I  
love him.

He was, still is my everything.

With this thought in mind, I fell into a deep sleep.

#These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase#

Lyrics: My Immortal by Evanescence#

A/N: So, what do you guys think?


	4. Just A Friend

Today I was going on a date, and if I was honest with myself, I was nervous.

It was the first date that I'd have since Derek's death. Death –I hate this word. It  
sounds dirty and wrong. It's painful, losing someone, especially losing someone you  
love, your soulmate.  
And it's even more painful when your soulmate dies at a young Age.

This is what happened to my husband. He died while he was doing what he loved  
most. He died while he was trying to save people who had been in a car accident.

He wanted to have more children, he wanted to come back home... he just wanted  
to live.

He died without knowing that I was pregnant with twins. He never got the chance  
to meet them, our beautiful little babies.

The kids were everything I had and loved. They were everything my husband had  
left me. And I would give everything to protect them.

Zola was the only one who could remember her Daddy. Every day I tried to tell the  
kids a story about Derek, but lately I didn't have the time to do this.

I felt guilty about that –I had to remind them who their father was. There was no  
way that they'd forget their father.

Was it really right to go on a date with Daniel, I wondered.

"Yes it is right!" I told myself.

Derek would want me to move on, to find another man.

But, did I really want to have another man?

Daniel was a good friend, and I liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could have a  
relationship with him.

I had to try it at least. Derek would want me to, so I'd try, for him.

When I turned around, a picture of Bailey, Zola, Derek and myself caught my eye.

It was one of the first pictures we had taken with Bailey. At that time, he was just a  
few weeks old. Derek held him in his arms and Zola and I were standing beside him  
and Bailey. A tear ran down my cheek.

God, I missed those moments, I missed him. Sadly there were no pictures with  
Derek and the twins as they were born almost nine months after his death.

The night before the accident had happened, we talked about having more kids. At  
first I thought that he was crazy, but then I remembered the time when I was  
pregnant with Bailey –yeah, I wanted to have another Baby with him.

Little did I know that I'd get two but because they never met their father I loved  
them even more. They were my little babies, Derek's last present –his last wish.

Derek would love Aimee and Noah. They were looking more like me, they had his  
beautiful blue eyes and curls, though. He always wanted a big family and now that  
we have four kids he wasn't here.

My alarm went off –now I had to get up. I wished that Derek could be here, to  
watch our kids growing up. Another tear ran down my cheek. Quickly, I wiped it  
away and got in the shower. After the shower, I put a little make-up on my face  
and then I put my favorite dress on. I was sure that the kids would ask why I was  
wearing one , but I decided to tell them that I was going to eat dinner with a friend  
–grown up time.

The morning passed as usual. Waking up the kids, making breakfast and lunch  
packs for school and packing Aimee's and Noah's backpacks –I couldn't stop  
thinking about Derek, though.

After I had dropped the twins off at the daycare, I got a call from Cristina. Actually,  
I wanted to call her yesterday, but I had forgotten it.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked Cristina, while I went outside.

"Nothing. You didn't call back so I thought the kids killed you or something."

"What? No. I was just tired and busy. You know." I answered. I seriously had to  
refrain from laughing.

"Whatever," I could hear her moving around, "How's Zola?"

"She is a little bit annoyed, but fine. You know there was an accident and I wasn't  
able to keep the appointment." I told Christina.

For a second I thought about going in, but the sun was shining brightly. I loved  
days like this. It wasn't too warm, and it wasn't raining.

"Which appointment?" she asked.

"You know. The appointment at Zola's School, with her teacher", I answered Cristina's question.

"I forgot about it. How are Bailey and the twins? Does he like to go to School?"

After Derek's death we got even closer. She always asked about the Kids.

"They are all doing great. Bailey loves to go to school! He has already made many  
new friends. And apparently, he has a best friend. You know, he is chatty," I  
giggled.

"With perfect hair," she laughed, "Uh-huh. Boy or Girl?"

"Boy. You know I've told you about the new family who has moved from Australia to Howth? The boy is about Bailey's age." I informed Cristina.

"That's great. So enough about the kids. How's it going with your hot doctor?" she wanted to know.

"I'm going on a date with him or something," I said nervously. What would she  
think about it?

"A date?" Cristina asked doubtfully, "You don't date. You should fuck him like  
there's no tomorrow. I'm sure that that'd be good for you." In the Background I  
could hear other people talking.

I shook my head. "No. I don't want to fuck him, Cristina," I said –sometimes she  
was unbelievable.

I was no longer the Meredith Grey who slept with men with no strings attached.

"Oh Mer, you're crazy," she groaned.

"Why am I crazy? I just don't want to start it like it started with Derek," I swallowed  
heavily.

Did I even want to start something new with another man? No, it was wrong to go  
on a date with Daniel.

"But I think that I won't go on the date," I spoke these words without thinking.

"What? A few seconds ago you've told me that you'd go. What's going on?" she sounded slightly confused.

"I don't know. It feels like I'm cheating on Derek." I breathed.

"He is dea-" she stopped, "look, Mer. I know that you still love him, but you have to  
move on." I knew that. I couldn't, though.

I didn't want to move on. It didn't feel right.

"I can't move on Christina. Maybe it was easy for you with Owen, but this situation  
is different. I just can't. It feels like I will cheat on him, if I will lie to my children, to  
our children. I just can't," I said with a shaking voice.

I couldn't replace Derek –he was my everything.

"Try it. Your children need someone who is like a father to them and maybe Derek  
has sent you this man." Cristina wanted to persuade me to go.

"You should hear yourself talking. Derek is their father, no one is going to replace  
him, ever," I hissed.

"I'll tell Daniel that we can't date," my decision was made.

"Tell him at least over dinner," Cristina snickered.

"Fine. You won't stop persuading me anyway. Would you?" I gave in.

"No. Mer, I have to go, just wanted to check on you. Call me tomorrow and tell me  
everything about it. Hopefully he won't cry."

"Yes, I promise to tell you every single detail." I promised my person. "Oh, and  
don't forget about the twin's birthday," I reminded her.

"I already bought my ticket," she replied annoyed.

"Why are you annoyed? I thought you were looking forward to see the kids!" I  
asked Cristina.

"Because you're reminding me of their birthday. Mer, I love your kids, only your  
kids, though," she sighed, "Seriously, I have to go. See ya."

"Me too. Bye." I hung up.

I didn't want to go back in. There were too many things I had to think about. What  
should I do?

For a few minutes I enjoyed the sun on my face. Suddenly, my pager beeped –the  
daycare.

As quick as possible I ran inside. I was out of breath when I approached the  
entrance.

"What's going on?"

"They're asking for you," Julie, one of their kindergarten teachers explained.

She was eyeing me curiously. I didn't have the time to change into my scrubs, so I  
was still wearing a Dress.

"But I've dropped them off just twenty minutes ago," I sighed. Before I could say  
more, I heart Noah crying.

Julie led me into the room, in which the younger kids were playing.  
Noah and Aimee were sitting on the floor, surrounded by toys. Neither of them was  
playing with them, though. I hate to see my little babies cry. When one started  
crying, the other automatically started crying, too.

"What happened, sweetheart?" I asked them softly, while wiping their tears away.

"My car," he sobbed while he pointed with his hand on a broken car.

"Your car is—" I didn't finish my sentence. When I came in, I thought something

was wrong with him. I'd have to talk to Julie about it –this was the third time she  
had paged me for no good reason. Now, it was my job to calm both of them down.  
Of course that wouldn't be a problem, but I had to work.

Fifteen minutes later, Noah and Aimee were playing happily with the other kids. It  
hadn't taken that long to convince him, that there were many other toys which he  
could play with. Fortunately, Aimee stopped crying too.

Angrily, I went to Julie, I didn't want to talk with the other kindergarten teachers  
about it. She was sitting on a table in the back with her phone in her Hand.

"Do you think I don't have to work?" I asked her.

"What?" she looked up.

"When my children are in daycare it is your job to calm them down. You have my  
pager number for emergencies. An emergency is when they hurt themselves  
physically. Understood?" I snapped.

"But they wouldn't stop crying!" she defended herself.

I couldn't believe her.

"Of course they didn't stop crying, you did nothing to calm them down. You  
should've tried to repair the car or give them some sweets or I don't know... be  
creative and use your damn brain!" I hissed.

She looked scared, "I'm sorry, Dr. Grey. It's just—"

I interrupted her, "I don't care what's going on in your life right now. The only thing  
which matters are my children. Do you think you can do your Job?" I looked directly  
into her blue eyes which were filled with tears.

"Yes. I can do my job." she answered sheepishly.

"Do you only think you can or do you know you can do your job?" I asked her with  
a firm voice.

"I can do my Job, Dr. Grey," she stood up and put her phone in her pocket. "I'm  
really sorry—"

I cut her off, "Don't apologize. Just do your work." With these words I got out –Medusa Grey is back.

To change, I went to the Attending's Lounge. Luckily, I was alone. I sat down on  
the couch and closed my eyes –I was still angry.  
This woman worked there. She had to take care of the kids. Instead she was  
playing with her phone. Stupid People. Maybe, I should pay for one of those luxury  
kindergartens. No, that was not the right solution for the problem. Hopefully Julie  
would get her problems under control.

For a moment, I thought about what Derek would say. I think he would tell me to  
give her a Chance.

I had to check on my patients –after my shift I'd have to talk to Daniel. Yeah, I'd  
tell him that it should be just dinner, not a real date. I was not ready to let a man  
into my life. So maybe it would be a good idea to see this date or dinner as an  
evening with a good friend –nothing more.

The day passed uneventfully, just the usual work. The next time I took a look at the  
clock, it was already fifteen minutes before six in the evening.

I got really nervous. There wasn't much time to get ready for the dinner with Daniel  
–and why had I decided to wear a dress? I had to calm down, right now. I changed.  
Will he be mad at me?

Slowly, I went to the entrance of the hospital. Daniel was already waiting for me.  
When he saw me he smiled and came to me. "You look amazing."

"Oh, thank you," I was nervous. "You're looking good, too. It's nice. Your suit, I  
mean." He was wearing a black suit, but it didn't look too much.

"Thanks, Mer," he smiled and took my hand in his.

"Can we… can we talk?" I asked Daniel.

"Of course," he chuckled. "Usually you're talking on a date."

"Okay. You'd probably be mad at me, and I can understand that. If I were you, I'd  
be mad. Yeah, I'd be. So, just listen to me."

"Yeah," he looked concerned, didn't say more, though. He led me to his car.

"I know we said that this is a date, that we want to go on a date, but I can't," I  
swallowed. "I thought that I was ready, that I could take the next step, but I can't.  
It… I like you, I like you a lot—"

"But you can't move on," he finished my sentence.

"Yeah," I breathed. I was sure that he thought that I was crazy.

"It's okay, Mer," he assured me and smiled, "We'll just have dinner if this is what  
you want."

"Really?" I was relieved.

"Really," he squeezed my hand and we drove to the restaurant.  
We talked about our friends and work until we arrived at the parking area.

"Just dinner mer. Should we go in?" Daniel had put a hand on my arm.

I sighed, "Yeah, let's go."

He got out and quickly opened the door for me.

"Thanks," I smiled.

"Chill, Mer, like I said. We're just having dinner. I know that you're not ready, and it's fine."

"Oh," I blushed. "Okay, it's good that you know. Otherwise it'd be bad, for both of us. I mean, it's better that way… even when Cristina told me to—" Damn, I couldn't  
tell him what she had said to me this morning.

"Cristina? Isn't this your friend who visits you from time to time? The one from  
Zurich?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "You've seen her once, last year."

We stepped inside the restaurant –it smelled amazing.

"So, what did she tell you?" Daniel asked me curiously.

"Um, she—" I stuttered.

Luckily a waiter came and led us to our table. "I'll be back in a minute," he smiled.

When we sat down, Daniel started again, "So?"

"So… what?" I asked, to waste some time.

"Come on, Mer. You know exactly what I'm talking about," he smirked and  
shrugged his jacket off.

"I don't want to tell anyone anything I'm telling Cristina." I replied.

"You're not telling me what you said to her… I want to know what she said to you," he laughed.

"Shut up already," I murmured and looked around. The waiter came and asked us  
what we would like to drink.

He was a short guy with brown hair, hell, I was taller than him.

"We would like to have a bottle of red wine," Daniel ordered with a smile. I nodded  
in Agreement.

"What do you prefer? Dry or sweet?" the waiter asked.

I shrugged –I liked both.

"Let's try the sweet one?" I said after a while.

"Sounds good to me," he nodded and stared at our waiter, who didn't stop looking  
at my breasts.

"Great, it tastes amazing," short guy smiled and left us alone.

"God, the waiter was disgusting. Did you notice how he stared at my breasts?" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, I did. I was about to say something, but then he left," he shook his head.

I sighed, "Whatever. Any idea what you want to eat?"

"Maybe I will try the steak with the Mediterranean vegetables, but I'm not sure.  
You?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe I will try the spaghetti with black olives and all that stuff."

"Seriously?" he raised an eyebrow. "You hate it."

"You're right, I do," I laughed.

I decided to eat a Steak.

"So, you're okay with the not dating thing?" I wanted to know.

"Yes. I know that you need time, and I'll give you all the time you need," he smiled  
warmly at me.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I was scared that he'd be angry with me. Now I could  
enjoy our evening together,.

"You know I really like you and I just want to spent a nice evening together wit´h  
you." he continued. "You never told me much about your husband and what  
happened, but I know that you still love him." he took my hand in his. "I can't  
imagine how you feel, I'm here, though. When you want to talk about it."

"Thanks. You know, you look a little bit like him. He was this guy with the icy blue eyes, the black hair...He has..had Irish roots." I decided to tell Daniel.

"Is that the reason why you left Seattle?" he looked at me sadly. As if he'd understand that I missed Derek so badly.

"Well, after his death I tried to stay in Seattle, but I couldn't. There were just so  
many memories and so many people around me who have known him. I couldn't  
stand it," I tried to explain to him, why I had left. It seemed as if he wanted me to  
continue. So I took a deep breath, "Two months after his death, I found out that I  
was pregnant. I couldn't raise my kids in Seattle.  
I wanted to go somewhere where it would remind me of Derek. In Seattle, I would  
always be the pregnant widow."

"So you are here because of your husband's Irish roots." Daniel stated.

"Yeah," I said quietly.

Meanwhile, short guy had brought us our bottle, and we had ordered our Food.

"That's okay. Everyone handles it differently," Daniel said to me.

"Maybe," I nodded slightly. My thoughts wandered back to that horrible day.

That night we didn't sleep much –we were too busy with having sex. I couldn't  
describe the feeling I felt when he told me that he'd come back home.  
The next day, he told me that he could take a lather flight and come to the hospital  
to have sex with me again. And I said no. I thought that I'd have the rest of my life  
with him.  
For me, it was more important that he come home on time –we could have sex  
later, I thought. but I was wrong.

That day, they had called to tell me that he had missed his appointment. At first, I  
didn't really think that something bad had happened. I only thought that his flight  
back to Seattle was cancelled. Then I remembered that he wasn't at the Meeting.  
He had to be somewhere in D. C. I tried to distract myself with surgeries, but I was  
scared. He hadn't shown up at the meeting nor was he answering his phone  
–something was wrong. I could feel it. And then in the evening, the police showed  
up at our house and told me that there was an accident. They had found his jacket  
and also his driver's license. But his body was burnt beyond recognition. My  
husband was dead.

Suddenly, I heart the beeping of our pagers fill the air.

"Damn it," Daniel said annoyed and stood up.

It took me a few seconds to go back to reality. "I think we have to go. Dinner was  
great," I smiled slightly.

"Yeah," he laughed. "Sometimes I hate our jobs. I'm going to pay for our wine."

Two minutes later my phone vibrated, "Grey?" I answered while following Daniel  
out of the Restaurant.

"God Mer, where are you? We need all hands on deck. Pile up, eight cars are  
involved, it's amazing. Surgery, blood, everything we want," Samantha, one of my  
friends who was working as a trauma surgeon exclaimed. Sometimes, she was like  
Cristina –she lived for surgery.

"Yeah, I know. We'll be there in a few," I told Sam.

"Hurry!" she said before the line went dead.

Hungrily, we drove back to the hospital. Sam had been right –blood and surgery.

When I got home five hours later, Susi, the Babysitter, and the kids were asleep. Quickly, I checked on them –I was tired.

I thought about the evening with Daniel. It was nice talking to him, but I  
knew that I would never be able to love him.

He was just a friend.

A/N: Maybe you have some ideas of what is going to happen next?:)  
And if you have any questions or just want to discuss the Story, feel free to send a  
message.


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